Stats:
Height: 6-8
Weight: 250lbs
Wingspan" 70 1/4
Vertical: 44''
40yd Dash: 4.4
Not since the births Achilles, The Brawny Paper Towel Guy, and Luke Skywalker has one man's god given physical intangibles been so unbelievably overwhelming. In 5 NBA season's Lebron has solidified himself as one of, if not the premier basketball player on planet earth and possibly the entire galaxy. When watching Lebron I've often questioned whether he's the product of a top secret soviet genetic experiment or possibly even half dragon. With DNA tests still pending the next question is obvious. Why not me? The next question isn't so obvious. How good of a high school football player was Lebron James? The answer is simple, REALLY F@CK!N6 GOOD. Apparently covering a 6'6 230lb wide receiver was an insurmountable task for your average 5'8 170lb 17yr old. While many teens were conceiving elaborate ponzy schemes to lose their virginity before graduation, Lebron was planning his inevitable multibillion dollar basketball empire. His single handed high school basketball monopoly completely overshadows his intimidating football resume. As a sophomore Lebron caught 42 passes for 752 yards and 11 touchdowns earning all state honors and getting looks from football powerhouses Notre Dame and Ohio State. James culminated his football career the following year posting 57 receptions, 1,160 yards, and 16 touchdowns. Ex coach and Green Bay Packers great Mark Murphy in a recent article on ESPN.com stated, "I felt like that was one kid that could have gone from high school to the NFL and played." Rather than being envious to the point where I'm washing away my sorrows with prescription pills, street drugs, and Zima's, I remain baffled by his sheer awesomness. His sheer dominance, physicality, and athletic prowess can only be rivaled by one man. That one man certainly is not Jose Canseco...
Con- Jose Canseco
Stats:
Height: 6-4
Weight: 240
Career HR: 462
Dignity: Non Existent
Until recent years the name Jose Canseco was synonymous with homo erotic displays of douchiness and roided out muscles. Well, I guess not much has changed. But what about mixed martial arts? After retiring from baseball, getting caught in women's underwear, and ratting out every single person to play baseball in the late 80's and 90's in a last ditch effort to capitalize upon his pseudo fame, Jose made an obvious career choice. He has left the world of pro baseball behind for a "career" as a mixed martial artist. In his debut fight which was as high profile as a bum defecating in an alley behind a liquor store, Canseco lasted a total of 1 minute and 17 seconds before being submitted from repeated punches to the face. Canseco was completely overmatched by mma journeyman and utter side show freak Hong Man Choi. The 7-2 352lb Choi who resembles Grendle from Beowulf stalked and completely molested Canseco for the short duration of the bout. After watching this proverbial donkey-show spectacle all I wanted was more. Although I want more under one condition. I want Jose Canseco to fight a tiger with rabies strapped to a speeding train.
Stay metaphysical gents.
E.L. Healey
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